If only......

Racing in my heart and mind are many “why’s” and “if only’s”. In my grief I try to reason what has happened but I find no solice there- only more questions. Struggling to make sense of it all in my finite little mind I do the only thing I know to do brings comfort: I run to my Shepherd. It is only when I am face down before Him that there is any relief. It is here that I can rest in His peace and comfort. The Comforter reminds me that my Lord knows grief and sorrow. Was He not despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief? (Isaiah 53:3) He reminds me of the story of Lazarus in John 11. Jesus was “deeply moved” when He saw His friend’s grief. He even wept with them. I confess my rebellious thoughts and pride. How can I even begin to understand His ways? It is here in this valley that I have to decide if my faith is real or just words I throw around. It is in suffering and sorrow that we enter into a deeper fellowship with Him.


I had pulled out a devotional collection of writings by Amy Carmichael (“I Come Quietly to Meet You”) about a month ago. It’s a favorite of mine and it’s been a while since I’ve gone through it. It has sat there all these weeks but I have only read in it once. Tonight I picked it up after my time of prayer and opened the book up about midway through. The title of the devotion? “If Only….” I’ll leave it for you. Reminded again that the Lord does hear our cries and see our pain. He is close to the brokenhearted. As my sweet friend is rejoicing in the very presence of the Father I too can rejoice. It’s what she would have wanted.

For this is what the high and lofty One says—he who lives forever, whose name is holy: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit….and to revive the heart….” Isaiah 57:15

In a letter written by Samuel Rutherford, dated 1640, he speaks of how hard it is to be patient if we allow our thoughts to become stuck “down among the confused rollings and wheels of second causes.”

By this he means all the times we say, “If only I hadn’t been in the wrong place,” or “If only I’d gone at a different time.” He means the subtle tempation to link together earthly causes-and-effects. To fight against this temptation, to escape the confused, grinding, second wheels of this “logic,” Rutherford cries to us from across history: “Look up! Look to the master- motion and the first wheel!”

There was a day, for me- October 24- when I stood among three other happy people in Joyous City, outside the door of the house we’d rented for the missions work there- which we’d found locked. We wondered what we should do. The old man who had charge of the key was not there, and the key was not to be found.

We stood a long time in the swiftly gathering twilight, ready to turn contentedly toward home if we could not get in. Just then, another old man hurried up, the huge key of his own courtyard door in hand. “This may open it,” he said hopefully.

There was a moment’s fumbling. The door opened. We went in…

What if the old man had not rushed up at the last moment with a key? What if the key had not worked? There was a pit dug, where no pit was supposed to be. And for me, a crippling fall.

The confused rollings and wheels of “second causes” do not help much here- or anywhere. The Lord allowed it. Therefore, so far as we are concerned, He did it: He, himself. And all the He does is good.

On October 6, eighteen days beofre, a member of our fellowship was at home in London. In a time of prayer, he was suddenly caused to feel that danger was threatening me. He prayed, not the easy prayer of the unconcerned, but the intense prayer of one greatly burdened. A sense of fear tried to overwhelm him, as of terror by night. He continued on until peace came, and he knew that his prayer was heard.

Should we have said that prayer was not answered? It is a petty view of our Father’s love and wisdom which demands or expects an answer according to our desires, apart from His wisdom.

We see hardly one inch of the narrow lane of time. To our God, eternity lies open as a meadow. It must seem strange to the heavenly people, who have reached the beautiful End, that you and I should ever question what Love allows to be, or that we ever call prayer “unanswered” when it is not what we expect.

Isn’t no an answer? Isn’t heaven an answer?

My Father, I cripple myself spiritually by going over and over the “what if’s.” I never saw this as pride- as trying to take your place as Lord and Shepherd… I confess you now as the Master of time and eternity.

Be my Shepherd today, leading me on this “low” road I’m traveling.